Christmas

My mom made Christmas wonderful. I don’t have any specific memories that jump out as the best, but I remember the way I felt every year at this time as a child. We would bake, drink hot cider while making homemade ornaments, listening to Christmas music (my mom would always tear up upon hearing Noel) – the house was always filled with love and warmth. The best part, however, was that she would have the entire family together to watch our Sunday school Christmas program on Christmas Eve night, then we would all gather for a beautiful dinner following church. The house was full of noise and chaos, but I looked forward to it every year.

After she passed, I did my best to try and rally the troops. I would invite everyone in my family over for Alex’s Christmas program, play the Christmas music, prepare the ornaments for decorating, and every year, it seemed to fail in comparison. My sister would have last minute changes, my brother would have something that prevented him from showing, and my father would be too busy.

So this year, I didn’t bother and I’m having a hard time with it. Dad is celebrating with friends, my sister is celebrating with her fiancés’ family, and my brother is celebrating with my maternal grandparents. I'm trying to smile and "buck-up" for Alex - I'm trying to find that joy and cheer somewhere inside of me, but it's really difficult this year. I'm still hurting from what Michael did and for lack of a better word, I'm lonely. Alex and I will still attend church on Thursday evening and bake our “birthday cake” for Jesus and I hope that he has a wonderful Christmas, but I can’t help but feel a huge void this season – family.